Getting Kevin Here
I had been out of prison only three days when I became pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was really scared. I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to raise another child. Despite my feelings, I thought that my child's father would be excited. That idea was shattered when I told him about my pregnancy. His first response was, "Who all have you been sleeping with?" He knew the answer was that I had only been with him that one time. His only encouragement was that I should get an abortion and he would support me in that decision. He told me to get as much money together and set up the appointment. I knew that my family would be upset about the pregnancy and might also encourage an abortion. So, I chose not to tell my family. I did not want an abortion! I had already traveled down that road years earlier and soon after realized that it wasn't the right decision for me. I could recall the extreme guilt and shame that I felt after the abortion and how lonely and empty I felt inside. There are times even now that I find myself wondering what my precious baby would be like today and how different my life may have turned out if I would have chosen life. I just couldn't do that again. I had already tried things my way, now it was time to try it God's Way!! With so much stress and worrying, I found myself back in the world of crack cocaine at three month pregnant. I was so lost, confused and caught in a web of poor decisions. I had to talk to someone that would understand that I couldn't go through with another abortion. The first person that came to mind was my Priest, Father Michael Doyle. Father Doyle assured me that the child inside me was a blessing from God and that he or she was a part of God's plan for me. He promised me that if I would just do my part in getting the baby here, he and the members of St. Andrew The Apostle Catholic Church would help me with things for the baby. He offered so many words of encouragement that I walked away feeling strong in my decision not to terminate the pregnancy. But, I knew it would not be easy. I still felt as though I could not trust my family not to pressure on me to abort MY BABY. So, I continued to keep the pregnancy a secret from them. I informed the baby's father that I would not have an abortion and that I would carry this child. Even if I had to do it alone, I was going to parent.
Since relapsing at 3 months pregnant, I found it difficult to lay down the drugs. I took my last hit right before walking into the hospital to give birth - just 48 hours before my son would be born. Barely over six months pregnant, my water broke and I found myself being taken by life-flight to Galvelston, Texas. Two days later on February 13, 2005, my tiny miracle was born. At just 3 lbs. and 12 oz., Kevin Jabbar Barnes was amazingly doing well. He stayed in the neo-natal unit for 3 weeks showing no signs of effects from the drugs that I had been ingesting. Despite what I was doing to myself, God saw to it that this precious gift was protected by my poor choices. I had to get my life right with God and the first matter of business was getting off the drugs. When Kevin was released, weighing only 4 lbs. and 7 oz., I checked myself into a recovery program that allowed mothers to bring their children. Kevin and I did not have to be separated. While I concentrated on ridding myself of drugs, I could also had help with Kevin and our bonding opportunities never missed a beat. While at the treatment center, Kevin rightfully earned the nickname of "Tiny Man" from the counselors.
While going through treatment, I learned about the Pregnancy Help Center of Lufkin. I made an appointment and this is where I met Ms. Paula and Ms. Kathryn. My first visit to the Center was a very positive one. I found Ms. Paula to be very warm, caring and offered me encouragement and hope. I felt as if she really cared and really wanted to help me. She introduced the Learn to Earn Parenting Program and everything seemed so simple. She showed me a large room full of diapers, clothes, wipes, food, soap, toys and so much more that I could earn through the program. I could get almost everything my baby would need plus the support of people who cared. As Ms. Paula talked, I kept waiting for "the catch". Well, 14 months later, I can say that there truly is NO catch. It is simple math . . . the more I learn equals the more I earn. It feels so good to earn vouchers to spend on things for my baby. It's like spending real money but easier. After several mentoring sessions with Paula, I found myself releasing a lot of guilt and shame regarding my previous abortion and my poor lifestyle choices. Ms. Paula would pray with me and talk about my relationship with God. I have been blessed.
The biggest benefit I have received from the Pregnancy Help Center is the promotion of my self-esteem. I continue to go the the center because the entire staff and volunteers make me feel good about myself and what I am able to do for my son. It feels really wonderful to know that I can earn vouchers to take care of my son's needs.
If you are considering abortion, I want to encourage you to stop and think about what you are doing. I know first hand that abortion isn't the easy way out of an unplanned pregnancy. Though life with Kevin has been hard it has not been without reward. On the other hand, life after my abortion was very hard and without reward. God may be giving you a choice to exercise your free will but it doesn't mean it's a good choice. Instead, try following God's path and see what many blessings he has for you and your baby. You may be surprised at just how good God is and how much He love you! Though some may think we don't deserve God's love, He freely gives it. That is true grace.
If you would like someone to talk to, I would love the opportunity to help you. Contact Mrs. Paula at the Pregnancy Help Center at 936-632-9200 and she will get in touch with me.
God knows you are hurting and He already has an answer for you.